Sex Life Archives | Dr. Kelly Rees

Sex is Like Food

Sex is like food. How are you feeding yourself?

I love potato chips. I also love doughnuts and ice cream and I rarely eat them. Okay, a handful of chips with something else, a tablespoon of ice cream standing in front of the sink. A doughnut (or two) is an excellent gorge. My indulgence is self-limiting because I pay attention to how I feel after I eat. I feel best when I feed myself greens and fish.

And a bite of chocolate.

And some wine.

Everyone has different nutritional needs. When I try someone else’s choices sometimes I suffer. Too much pasta leaves me sick, bloated, and regretful. Too much red meat and I feel like a meatloaf myself.

(Disclosure: I gave myself a potato chip hangover this weekend.)

How does this work for sex? Is there such thing as snack-sex? What’s a well-balanced sex meal?

For me, I feel happiest and healthiest after a deep, languorous sexual encounter that meets me on all levels (body, heart, mind, soul). I am up for encounters that are not all of those and if I have to choose, I prefer intimacy without sex rather than sex without intimacy.

But that’s just me.

There are 270 different religions in the world and according to the Dalai Lama we need them all.There are so many flavors of sex, we probably need all of them too.

Think of me as your sexual dietitian. Let’s look together at what gives you sustenance, what you do out of habit, and where you might cut back. What does your sexual diet consist of, which activities leave you feeling well-fed and fulfilled? We all have different digestive requirements.

Still hungry after an encounter? Let’s find out what’s missing.

Feel like you’re over-indulging? Let’s get you back on track.

Are you starving? I’m full of ideas about finding nourishment where you might not expect.

Contact me to set up a session.

What do I mean when I say I love you? -or- I love the man I’m divorcing

Lately I’ve been thinking about love. As I move toward divorce I still have a strong connection to my partner. I’ve been peering deeply into this. Deeper than hurt and resentment, deeper than contempt which surely kills a relationship. (http://www.gottmanblog.com/four-horsemen/) As the other artifacts fall away something essential remains. What do I mean when I say I love you?

I’m talking about that gritty, tenacious, totally human, messy type of love. The thing that acknowledges change over time, expands and contracts. I’m not talking about sentiment. I’m talking about the way we show up for ourselves and each other that defies logic. That which is unshaken by disappointment, bad behavior, personality conflicts, hurt feelings, pettiness. The thing that grows over time and remains. I can’t help it, can’t stop it.

Love is all you need?

Love is not all you need, and nowhere near all you get. Love shows up along with attachment, neediness, manipulation, fear of abandonment, possession, expectation, implication, exclusion.

Love is the excuse for a million things that are not love.

Love comes packaged with hurt. I’ve been asked if there isn’t a way to love without being vulnerable. Nope. It’s the same channel, straight to your most tender places. Open for love equals open for hurt.

It’s easy to love from a distance. As you get closer you start to notice things. Annoying things. Things that you don’t love, but it’s a package deal, isn’t it? Love me, love my warts. That’s our basic predicament.

Unconditional love?

As soon as someone starts to matter, conditions show up. Love becomes a way to prove something: my worth, your worth, the validity of my choices, emotional purity. A call for unconditional love is striving for selflessness in a mostly selfish, very flawed human with wants and needs and fears up the wazoo. Expecting unconditional love from a partner is a good way to stay lonely.

True love?

True Love implies false love. It might be true lust instead, and we know that lust is notoriously fickle. We mistake lust for love. We then attach specific behaviors to love. “I only do that with someone I love.” “I can’t do that with someone I love.” “If you loved me you would….” “If you loved me you wouldn’t….” We even call our sex partners “lovers.”

A friend was having an affair with a married man. She scared the hell out of him by telling him “I only have sex with people I love, so I guess I love you.” That was the last thing she got to say to him.

How can we tell true from false? How long do you have to wait to find out if you’ve been fooling yourself or someone’s been fooling you?

Real life love.

This love doesn’t expect anything in return. (Sometimes I don’t even tell the person I feel this with.) Do I say this lightly? Sometimes, when it feels light. Love is easy for me, it’s a natural function close to happiness.

So what do I mean when I say I love you? I refer to the entity that lives between us. It connects me to you. A living thing that has arisen out of the very center of me and winds its way to you, seeking your depth. Some part of me is willing to sidle up to you, to get close enough to be hurt. Exposed. Intimate. Perhaps this tender, young thing matures into the gritty, tenacious thing with time and experience.

Perhaps it is true, and unconditional too.

Grieving and Living

Do you avoid thinking of those whom you have lost either to death, to moving away, or by breaking off a relationship?

If someone nearby begins to cry or expresses sorrow do you quietly panic and get away as fast as possible? Do you attempt to stop them?

Do feelings of sadness and loss arise in moments of joy or intimacy?

Undigested grief gets in the way of living. It colors our thoughts and feelings and comes between us and those we love. That a National Grieving Day exists says something about how prevalent this is.

When my father died I was surprised by my grief. My relationship with my dad wasn’t easy. In his last few years I distanced myself in order to keep healthy boundaries. I had already grieved the dad I didn’t have, the one I wished I had. His death didn’t come as a surprise and still it shook me. For about six months every time I had sex I would dissolve in tears of grief. My husband was patient and supportive. He had lost his mother a few years before and had no support for his grieving.

I would go about my days upright, getting things done, feeling okay. Until we made love. Then somewhere in the middle, memories of my dad would visit me. I was awash with waves of anger, frustration, and love. I needed to be held.

It is more difficult to grieve alone. Something in us wants to be witnessed. Having someone to hold you and hold that moment for you to feel and fall into helps to let it dissolve and pass. At times I would do anything to not feel that grief on my own. It feels like it can swallow me, that I would drown in it. Sometimes I can manage it, sometimes I need help, or to turn away entirely.

Today I am facing the end of my marriage. Waves of conflicting thoughts and feelings, mixed memories and emotions come over me. Some days I’m barely functional. Talking about little things that irritate can lead me to underlying sadness; that’s a relief. When I have identified that I’m grieving I’m less likely to blame others for annoying me, less likely to distract myself or stop the process, to get lost in circular thinking or complaining. Being held makes it easier for me to hold my discomfort.

Do you have a friend or loved one to whom you can turn, who won’t try to “fix” you but can hold you in your despair? If not, please contact me. You don’t have to manage it alone.

National Grieving Day is http://nationalgrievingday.comNovember 22nd, 2014.

Do You Fantasize During Sex?

Is it possible to have fantasy enrich your sex life? Detract from it? Replace it?

Looking into the content of our fantasies, we can learn about our needs and motivations. Do you fantasize about things you actually do, things you want to do, or things you would never do? Understand that your fantasies have a life of their own; for example, fantasizing about rape doesn’t mean that you actually want to rape someone or actually be raped. The content of your fantasies is largely unconscious. It doesn’t necessarily mean anything about the kind of person you are, and many, many people have similar fantasies. Chances are if you’re thinking about it, someone else is too.

Do you fantasize during sex? Does your partner? I recommend having a conversation with your partner about sharing fantasy. You may not want someone in your head with you! But if you are willing to talk about it, you could use your fantasy to add excitement to your sex.

However, if you are busy with your fantasy instead of paying attention to your partner, your connection will suffer. You may get off, but your partner will likely notice you’re not actually there with them. Have you ever had sex with someone who was distracted and obviously not paying attention? It’s a drag.

If sex is best when you pretend you’re somewhere else with someone else, call me; I can help you assess the situation. We can see if there is some way to shift your dynamic. Your preference to ‘be somewhere else’ might be your discomfort with vulnerability, or might signal a deeper issue.