Connection Archives | Dr. Kelly Rees

Expectations and Responsibilities

Expectations and Responsibilities

Expectations shape our whole lives. Our families, schools, religions and cultures imbue us with expectations, both explicit and implicit. We ingest these expectations consciously and unconsciously, we push them on each other intentionally and unintentionally. In search of belonging, we willingly and unwillingly conform to expectations that are relentlessly imposed. They’re everywhere.

Since the Supreme Court overturned Roe V Wade – imposing an expectation that women bear children under even the most preposterous of circumstances – I’ve found myself reflecting on how expectations play out in my own life, and in the lives of my clients.

My dad disappeared for a couple of years when I was 12, shortly after my parents decided to divorce. We had no idea where he was. For most of my life I have wondered about the impact that had on me. 50 years later, I’m still discovering how my fear of abandonment shows up.

I remember crying a lot, crying at school about the littlest things, getting teased for my sensitivity. The cottonwood trees fluffed out the last day of school and the fluff kept getting in my eyes, which kept tearing up. Boys mocked me. “Uh-oh, crying in school! Whatsa matter, are you sad? Boo hoo!” I was standing in line to talk to our teacher, Mrs. Jones. I don’t know what I wanted to say to her, anything to have a moment of her attention, to stretch out the protection of school another few minutes before the lonely latch-key abyss. Katie C. was in front of me and told Mrs. Jones her cat had died and I started crying. Someone asked me why I was crying about Katie’s cat, whom I had never met, and I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know why I was crying and I couldn’t stop.

Now I understand I was an anxious child. My anxiety was emotional and bodily; I was extra-sensitive to everything. Hyper-vigilant.

It’s too late to ask my dad why he disappeared. He died in 1999 at the age of 61 from complications of lifelong alcoholism and constant cigarette smoking. He was the age I am now. I know he felt shame about not living up to the expectations set by his parents. I don’t know if he felt the weight of parenthood when he decided to leave. Sometimes it’s easier to escape than to face the daily not-living-up-to-it. He surfaced several years later in a different city with a different woman and her son, living a different life.

Maybe leaving lessens feelings of failure. If I feel like I have not met my family’s or church’s or society’s expectations it is less painful to distance myself from those expectations than show up and constantly be reminded of failure.

Somehow this is accepted in our world; that fathers sometimes disappear. Maybe part of the problem is the binary nature of gender role expectations: What Fathers Do, What Mothers Do. What if our expectations of What Children Need won over What Parents Must Do. Would that yield more fully parented children?

If I could go back in time I would ask my dad to stick around. I would tell him that his disappearance would devastate me, and especially my little brother. That for us— as bad as it was— it was better than having him missing. I would ask him to figure out how to be a dad and to drink less. Please.

Even after he returned I felt his absence; it had ripped the fabric of me, and of our family.

I can’t fill the dad-shaped hole in my heart. It will be there all my days. It is unfixable. And: I have discovered I can live with it.

In the months leading up to my dad disappearing, my mom struggled. She worked full-time and had two anxious, upset young children who were her sole responsibility. Our home was foreclosed upon and we struggled financially on her secretary’s salary. (In 1971, women’s salaries were 59% of men’s. It was expected that women didn’t need to be paid as much because their husbands would have jobs.) My mom was filled with rage and grief, and suffered from lifelong depression that went undiagnosed until she was 60. She screamed and smashed things. I hid in my room a lot.

I’m pretty sure you can’t force anyone to be a good parent. Forcing men to take responsibility is a joke, partly because Patriarchy, and partly because even if you put in your time, it doesn’t ensure you are not doing harm. I have witnessed families so dysfunctional as to be unsafe and trauma-inducing. Between a rock and a hard place, the most vulnerable ones lose.

Some families have generational histories of dysfunction and abuse. They have learned to not give a fuck about others, to not trust anyone. To only look out for themselves. Their expectation: life is brutal, you will get hurt, you will hurt others. They have cultivated rigid armor which protects them from vulnerability, from caring about anyone, even themselves.

My wish is simple: that we not hurt each other so much. That we become more aware of our own needs first, then to the needs of those around us. Some days that looks like examining assumptions and expectations; to let go of what is not true or appropriate, and to grow in the direction of caring. It is my job to tend to my wounds and get away from those who would hurt me. When I am doing the hurting, it is my job to stop it as soon as I become aware.

We can undo suffering, we can heal from trauma, and we can learn new skills that suit us better than our old skills.

And lastly:

The child who is not embraced by its village

Will burn it down to feel its warmth.

-African Proverb

Intimacy, Intimate Connection, and Sex

Intimacy, Intimate Connection, and Sex

I’ve noticed that many people equate intimacy and sex. They might say; “the last time we were intimate” referring to the last time they had a sexual encounter.

Here’s the thing: sex isn’t necessarily intimate. You may have had sex that is the furthest thing from intimacy. You may also have had an intimate connection that had nothing to do with sex.

So what is intimacy?

The Oxford English Dictionary defines intimacy as the “inmost thoughts or feelings; proceeding from, concerning, or affecting one’s inmost self: closely personal.”

Simple yet elusive for many. It is by sharing our innermost thoughts and feelings we can actually be known by another. Like a dog rolling over and showing its belly, we open ourselves up for love— and hurt. And we yearn to be known. Being known and then accepted is where we derive our sense of belonging.

Vulnerability

“Can I love someone without being vulnerable? Vulnerability scares me but I want love.”

Intimacy requires vulnerability and presence. It is openness and honesty. It isn’t a performance. Pretending is a big rip-off! Pretending (even to yourself) to be happy, faking orgasms, or feigning interest are all ways you shortchange yourself out of intimate connection and settle for an emptier life. I listened to a lecture recently identifying shyness as a barrier to intimacy. Shyness, insecurity, shame… yes. And the payoff for feeling reticent — and reaching out or allowing someone in anyway— is actually being seen and known by someone. That’s the best.

Sex without Intimacy is fine. Sex with Intimacy is different: richer, deeper.

Some people prefer to have sex that is JUST sex; un-emotional, detached, physically focused. They prefer to bail immediately afterward before their guard lets down, before feelings are noticed by others. For these people, sex that takes place in intimate connection is too close, too feeling, requires too much emotional communication. The thought of that much emotional exposure is a turn-off. It may feel dangerous.

“Hot sex, cold heart.” You may remember the Zipless Fuck from the novel Fear of Flying by Erica Jong: zipless because it comes out of nowhere and ends without expectation of a relationship. There is nothing wrong with a casual sexual encounter. BUT: If it leaves you feeling empty, devalued, or lonelier than before, you may want more intimacy. Casual is not good for everyone.

Friends with Benefits is a casual arrangement. Just sex, but with a friend. The risk of “catching feelings” is real. The physicality of sex can amplify feelings. Friendship feelings were already there, but maybe you didn’t expect to feel so close or care so much. It can get awkward, especially if you aren’t wanting more closeness, or your partner doesn’t reciprocate your feelings.

Entering into intimate connection with another can activate all sorts of things: grasping at our partner and attempting to merge, a feeling of suffocation and the desire to flee, fairytale fantasies of happily ever after, feelings of deep personal unworthiness, idolizing our partner, feelings of entitlement. It may conjure memories of former relationships that didn’t end well. Feelings are messy, uncool. And. Feelings are core to the human experience.

Intimacy in sex can be grand. Glorious! It can touch us in our deepest places. We can feel loved and accepted at the most profound level. And it can open us up to being hurt in our deepest places.

It’s so worth it.

Creating Intimacy with yourself, Creating Intimacy with Others

To create intimate sex, start with yourself.

Expand your idea of what intimacy is and who can have it. Let’s start with you. Make a practice of taking inventory of your actual thoughts and feelings, preferences and desires. Sometimes when I ask people “Sexually, relationally, what do you want?” I am met with confused silence. Squirming. Sometimes I am met with a pat answer that came from old beliefs, societal expectations, institutional mores.

Some reasons we pursue sex and relationship might be in search of a feeling state or a particular relationship status. If you are a person who typically fits yourself into other people’s worlds instead of expecting them to fit themselves into yours, you may not know any of this about yourself.

Ask Yourself

Keep asking the question: what do I want? Stay with it until you have an inkling and build on it. (This might take a while. Be patient.) Maybe start with a specific question about where you find pleasure, like what temperature water you enjoy (hat-tip to Esther Perel); a hot shower or a freezing cold river, a jacuzzi or a flotation tank, a bath or a waterfall. What type of touch do you like? Getting lightly grazed by fingernails, or warm hands firmly squeezing your muscles, or maybe you don’t enjoy being touched at all.

We all have beliefs which stand in the way between expectations and self-knowledge. You may believe you are having the wrong type of orgasm, and the “right” type will be life-changing.

You may believe that is important to have sex frequently because you are married and that’s what married people do. Or maybe your partner expects it and you feel validated when you do that, even if you don’t actually enjoy the sex.

You may come from a family that gets married and stays married, and to not be married would be failure.

Considering beliefs like these and paying attention to the feelings that arise with them is the underpinning of intimacy with your sweet self.

How-To

So… how do you be intimate with others? You can selectively practice intimacy with many people in your world. When someone asks you how you are, take a second and give a real response. Maybe you’re tired, or distracted by something that happened yesterday, or excited about your vacation coming up. Maybe you are needing to talk to someone and really glad they asked. Dare to be real.

Try it. Maybe with the clerk in the grocery store, who is a real person.

–Make eye contact with them.

–Ask how they are and LISTEN to their response. Don’t rush it.

–Then thank them.

It’s that simple. Try it with a friend you would welcome knowing better. Try it with a family member. Share with them a truth about yourself. Invite them to share something real with you.

Being honest with yourself

I have worked with people who have discovered they had sex with their partner because they believed they were supposed to. When we took away the directive, they didn’t want sex at all. They were finally intimate with themselves, acknowledging their true desire to NOT be sexual, at least with their partner. How liberating!

I have worked with people who were in a relationship because they believed it was the only valid way to live a life. When they became intimate with themselves and acknowledged their actual desires, They discovered they preferred to be alone. That is freedom.

I have worked with people who seek sex and want relationship because they believe those things will make them happy. I can’t blame them for thinking that, it is our shared fantasy. Culturally we have a bias for being married and for being perceived as sexual: our worth is derived from being wanted.

Pandemic influence

As my best friend Gwenn says: the trick with relationships is to find the proper distance so you can adore the other. Some people you want to keep really close, others more distant. I add to that: you need the ability to be aware of yourself while in the presence of the other. If you get too close, you can lose your sense of self. Too far away and you lose connection to your partner.

One thing that happened for many people in the pandemic is they became less intimate with the people with whom they were isolating, ironically because they were too close. Instead of feeling more connected, they felt trapped. Many became bored and annoyed with their partner’s constant presence. By being mostly indoors in close quarters, many created distance by ignoring their partner. Successful intimate relationship is always the balance of closeness and separateness. Intimacy is not the absence of “space-between-us,” it is inter-penetration while allowing for privacy.

Dating and Intimacy

In dating, a huge question is ‘what do I reveal and when?’ A chronic illness, a messy divorce, a difficult relationship with substances, children… What you share depends on the type of relationship you are in and/or hoping for.

What makes intimacy scary is the fear of rejection. If you show something of your deepest self to another and they reject you, it hurts more because it’s personal. You’re like the dog having shown its belly and getting bitten. You may need to review what you share and with whom.

With a casual dating relationship, you don’t need to share much. If you are looking to build a more substantive relationship, wait a few dates to share more details once you feel this person deserves to know you. For example, on a sex-only date you may not want to mention you have young children at home, or you have diabetes, or you are in recovery from addiction. Not revealing these important things in a more meaningful relationship will be damaging to your developing intimacy. Once you know you are interested in them and want to develop trust, open that intimate space between you and share something meaningful. Wouldn’t you want to know?

You can do it!

Intimacy is available to you. If you have questions about how to open yourself to more intimacy, email me to set up an appointment.

Strange Days

Strange days, these. Don’t underestimate the stress we are living with. Some days are easier than others and my ability to manage it comes in waves.

A bad day begins with a feeling of uneasiness. Maybe nothing “happens” but the accumulation of annoying adjustments. The grocery store is out of toilet paper again, people aren’t wearing masks correctly, our country is run by a buffoon who prefers cronyism to science. My city has seen nightly protests against police violence which have been met with both violence and inaction. I fume behind my mask and rage in my car. Road rage? Outrage. I am so angry. I am sarcastic and snipe at my partner. This is my Hell-Zone.

A day or two later upon waking I feel sad and notice the anger is gone. I’m missing my friends, missing hugs, missing seeing clients in person. I miss touching things while shopping, smelling the fruit and trusting unwrapped fresh bread. I am wistful. The loss is acute and palpable. I want to crawl into bed and cry. It is hard for me to answer the phone when a friend calls; I don’t want to cry into the phone.

The next day is neutral. I can accept the adjustments without feeling personally harassed. I feel compassion for the lady throwing a tantrum in Costco: her Hell-Zone looks worse than mine. I am grateful for practices that encourage me to feel my feelings fully so they don’t explode like shrapnel.

And the next day I wake feeling light. I get up earlier to enjoy the silence or the sounds of the neighbor’s four-year-old daughter singing in the backyard. It is enough to sit still and breathe. My mood is kindness. I am not anxious, not worried about having enough money or toilet paper. I trust that I am fine, I will be fine. I feel joyful for no reason.

I have noticed this cycle in myself, my friends, and in clients. Recognizing that is it a cycle is helpful. I find my place in it and the world seems less chaotic. It doesn’t help with finding more money or toilet paper but it helps infinitely with my sense of wellbeing and my ability to relax into what’s happening now.

Attraction, Consent, Rejection

“As I was turning down a man’s advances today I realized I was trying to be nice about it… even after he hugged me without asking, bugged me for my phone number, and I had already said a few days ago that I wasn’t interested in going on a date with him.

So why was I trying to be nice? This deeply disturbed me. When I asked myself why, I realized that one of my calculations about how direct I feel I can be is the reality that most stalkers, kidnappers, and killers are men — and many are “set off” by the rejection of a woman.” —Shanya Luther, M. Div

The man in this example may have felt he was flirting, essentially paying her a compliment with his attention. What’s the difference between flirting and harassment? Flirting is welcome, harassment is not. Being able to tell the difference is knowing where you are welcome and where you are not.

Consent culture requires emotional maturity. It takes a lot of the guesswork out and replaces it with clarity. For this to work, everyone needs to be okay with rejection: both receiving and giving. Yes, it removes some of the mystery and it also removes much of the potential harm. Some will still avoid consent because taking what they want is as enjoyable as getting what they want. Some will avoid it because if you don’t ask, you don’t get a “no.”

What would happen if you slowed it down and took the time to become more sensitive to someone’s reactions, looking past the surface smile?

When a woman decides to reveal her real response she risks getting labeled a slut, a bitch, stuck up, disagreeable, “not a team player,” or any of a long list of names we call someone who is not doing what we want. Ask yourself: is she smiling because she’s into you, or is that smile saying; “please don’t hurt me”? Is she not smiling because she’s not amused or because she’s scared you might get angry? Frequently I hear men say they wished women would be more straightforward. This is why they are not.

Louis CK (now infamous for using his position of power over women to fulfill his own sexual whim) said: “A woman saying yes to a date with a man is literally insane… and ill-advised! Men are the number one threat to women.”

Also, men have a tendency to overestimate women’s interest in them, and women have a history of concealing their true response. (Carin Perilloux & Robert Kurzban, 2014)

Let that sink in a minute.

Between our cultural bias towards men initiating encounters, which requires a lot of guessing, courage, and risk; and women’s acculturated “niceness,” tendency to caretake, and realistic fear of invoking violence, it amazes me anyone actually enjoys a first date.

A friend shared a piece of advice given him when he was young and wondering how on earth to kiss a girl. Advice: touch her face. If she closes her eyes, she wants you to kiss her. If she keeps her eyes open, she doesn’t; take your hand down and move along without making a fool of yourself.

Most of us have had years of this mysterious courtship.

Being told as a young girl that boys are sometimes mean when they like you added to my confusion. In third grade when Sammy Oliver chased me around the playground trying to kiss me, I was furious. While telling my mom I cried; she was laughing.

By seventh grade (and into eighth and ninth and …) I talked for hours with my girlfriends, analyzing boys’ actions, sifting for clues to how they felt about me. “He kicked a soccer ball at me, do you think he likes me?” Are men also obscure about their interest or do they show it in different ways, like kicking a soccer ball at a crush? Or was that just random, or did he really not like me?

Much has been said recently about the “fragility of the male ego” and its relationship to male violence. The ability to tolerate emotional discomfort (aka rejection) is an acquired skill. The more you practice being responsible for your own feelings and not lashing out or blaming others, the more emotional capacity you grow. The more you sustain rejection with softness, the less brittle you become.

If you have a hard time with rejection and want some insight; if you feel rough around the edges with dating, sex, and consent, let’s work together. I am forming several groups in January 2018 to work on consent and beyond.

What do I mean when I say I love you? -or- I love the man I’m divorcing

Lately I’ve been thinking about love. As I move toward divorce I still have a strong connection to my partner. I’ve been peering deeply into this. Deeper than hurt and resentment, deeper than contempt which surely kills a relationship. (http://www.gottmanblog.com/four-horsemen/) As the other artifacts fall away something essential remains. What do I mean when I say I love you?

I’m talking about that gritty, tenacious, totally human, messy type of love. The thing that acknowledges change over time, expands and contracts. I’m not talking about sentiment. I’m talking about the way we show up for ourselves and each other that defies logic. That which is unshaken by disappointment, bad behavior, personality conflicts, hurt feelings, pettiness. The thing that grows over time and remains. I can’t help it, can’t stop it.

Love is all you need?

Love is not all you need, and nowhere near all you get. Love shows up along with attachment, neediness, manipulation, fear of abandonment, possession, expectation, implication, exclusion.

Love is the excuse for a million things that are not love.

Love comes packaged with hurt. I’ve been asked if there isn’t a way to love without being vulnerable. Nope. It’s the same channel, straight to your most tender places. Open for love equals open for hurt.

It’s easy to love from a distance. As you get closer you start to notice things. Annoying things. Things that you don’t love, but it’s a package deal, isn’t it? Love me, love my warts. That’s our basic predicament.

Unconditional love?

As soon as someone starts to matter, conditions show up. Love becomes a way to prove something: my worth, your worth, the validity of my choices, emotional purity. A call for unconditional love is striving for selflessness in a mostly selfish, very flawed human with wants and needs and fears up the wazoo. Expecting unconditional love from a partner is a good way to stay lonely.

True love?

True Love implies false love. It might be true lust instead, and we know that lust is notoriously fickle. We mistake lust for love. We then attach specific behaviors to love. “I only do that with someone I love.” “I can’t do that with someone I love.” “If you loved me you would….” “If you loved me you wouldn’t….” We even call our sex partners “lovers.”

A friend was having an affair with a married man. She scared the hell out of him by telling him “I only have sex with people I love, so I guess I love you.” That was the last thing she got to say to him.

How can we tell true from false? How long do you have to wait to find out if you’ve been fooling yourself or someone’s been fooling you?

Real life love.

This love doesn’t expect anything in return. (Sometimes I don’t even tell the person I feel this with.) Do I say this lightly? Sometimes, when it feels light. Love is easy for me, it’s a natural function close to happiness.

So what do I mean when I say I love you? I refer to the entity that lives between us. It connects me to you. A living thing that has arisen out of the very center of me and winds its way to you, seeking your depth. Some part of me is willing to sidle up to you, to get close enough to be hurt. Exposed. Intimate. Perhaps this tender, young thing matures into the gritty, tenacious thing with time and experience.

Perhaps it is true, and unconditional too.