Communication Archives | Dr. Kelly Rees

Intimacy, Intimate Connection, and Sex

Intimacy, Intimate Connection, and Sex

I’ve noticed that many people equate intimacy and sex. They might say; “the last time we were intimate” referring to the last time they had a sexual encounter.

Here’s the thing: sex isn’t necessarily intimate. You may have had sex that is the furthest thing from intimacy. You may also have had an intimate connection that had nothing to do with sex.

So what is intimacy?

The Oxford English Dictionary defines intimacy as the “inmost thoughts or feelings; proceeding from, concerning, or affecting one’s inmost self: closely personal.”

Simple yet elusive for many. It is by sharing our innermost thoughts and feelings we can actually be known by another. Like a dog rolling over and showing its belly, we open ourselves up for love— and hurt. And we yearn to be known. Being known and then accepted is where we derive our sense of belonging.

Vulnerability

“Can I love someone without being vulnerable? Vulnerability scares me but I want love.”

Intimacy requires vulnerability and presence. It is openness and honesty. It isn’t a performance. Pretending is a big rip-off! Pretending (even to yourself) to be happy, faking orgasms, or feigning interest are all ways you shortchange yourself out of intimate connection and settle for an emptier life. I listened to a lecture recently identifying shyness as a barrier to intimacy. Shyness, insecurity, shame… yes. And the payoff for feeling reticent — and reaching out or allowing someone in anyway— is actually being seen and known by someone. That’s the best.

Sex without Intimacy is fine. Sex with Intimacy is different: richer, deeper.

Some people prefer to have sex that is JUST sex; un-emotional, detached, physically focused. They prefer to bail immediately afterward before their guard lets down, before feelings are noticed by others. For these people, sex that takes place in intimate connection is too close, too feeling, requires too much emotional communication. The thought of that much emotional exposure is a turn-off. It may feel dangerous.

“Hot sex, cold heart.” You may remember the Zipless Fuck from the novel Fear of Flying by Erica Jong: zipless because it comes out of nowhere and ends without expectation of a relationship. There is nothing wrong with a casual sexual encounter. BUT: If it leaves you feeling empty, devalued, or lonelier than before, you may want more intimacy. Casual is not good for everyone.

Friends with Benefits is a casual arrangement. Just sex, but with a friend. The risk of “catching feelings” is real. The physicality of sex can amplify feelings. Friendship feelings were already there, but maybe you didn’t expect to feel so close or care so much. It can get awkward, especially if you aren’t wanting more closeness, or your partner doesn’t reciprocate your feelings.

Entering into intimate connection with another can activate all sorts of things: grasping at our partner and attempting to merge, a feeling of suffocation and the desire to flee, fairytale fantasies of happily ever after, feelings of deep personal unworthiness, idolizing our partner, feelings of entitlement. It may conjure memories of former relationships that didn’t end well. Feelings are messy, uncool. And. Feelings are core to the human experience.

Intimacy in sex can be grand. Glorious! It can touch us in our deepest places. We can feel loved and accepted at the most profound level. And it can open us up to being hurt in our deepest places.

It’s so worth it.

Creating Intimacy with yourself, Creating Intimacy with Others

To create intimate sex, start with yourself.

Expand your idea of what intimacy is and who can have it. Let’s start with you. Make a practice of taking inventory of your actual thoughts and feelings, preferences and desires. Sometimes when I ask people “Sexually, relationally, what do you want?” I am met with confused silence. Squirming. Sometimes I am met with a pat answer that came from old beliefs, societal expectations, institutional mores.

Some reasons we pursue sex and relationship might be in search of a feeling state or a particular relationship status. If you are a person who typically fits yourself into other people’s worlds instead of expecting them to fit themselves into yours, you may not know any of this about yourself.

Ask Yourself

Keep asking the question: what do I want? Stay with it until you have an inkling and build on it. (This might take a while. Be patient.) Maybe start with a specific question about where you find pleasure, like what temperature water you enjoy (hat-tip to Esther Perel); a hot shower or a freezing cold river, a jacuzzi or a flotation tank, a bath or a waterfall. What type of touch do you like? Getting lightly grazed by fingernails, or warm hands firmly squeezing your muscles, or maybe you don’t enjoy being touched at all.

We all have beliefs which stand in the way between expectations and self-knowledge. You may believe you are having the wrong type of orgasm, and the “right” type will be life-changing.

You may believe that is important to have sex frequently because you are married and that’s what married people do. Or maybe your partner expects it and you feel validated when you do that, even if you don’t actually enjoy the sex.

You may come from a family that gets married and stays married, and to not be married would be failure.

Considering beliefs like these and paying attention to the feelings that arise with them is the underpinning of intimacy with your sweet self.

How-To

So… how do you be intimate with others? You can selectively practice intimacy with many people in your world. When someone asks you how you are, take a second and give a real response. Maybe you’re tired, or distracted by something that happened yesterday, or excited about your vacation coming up. Maybe you are needing to talk to someone and really glad they asked. Dare to be real.

Try it. Maybe with the clerk in the grocery store, who is a real person.

–Make eye contact with them.

–Ask how they are and LISTEN to their response. Don’t rush it.

–Then thank them.

It’s that simple. Try it with a friend you would welcome knowing better. Try it with a family member. Share with them a truth about yourself. Invite them to share something real with you.

Being honest with yourself

I have worked with people who have discovered they had sex with their partner because they believed they were supposed to. When we took away the directive, they didn’t want sex at all. They were finally intimate with themselves, acknowledging their true desire to NOT be sexual, at least with their partner. How liberating!

I have worked with people who were in a relationship because they believed it was the only valid way to live a life. When they became intimate with themselves and acknowledged their actual desires, They discovered they preferred to be alone. That is freedom.

I have worked with people who seek sex and want relationship because they believe those things will make them happy. I can’t blame them for thinking that, it is our shared fantasy. Culturally we have a bias for being married and for being perceived as sexual: our worth is derived from being wanted.

Pandemic influence

As my best friend Gwenn says: the trick with relationships is to find the proper distance so you can adore the other. Some people you want to keep really close, others more distant. I add to that: you need the ability to be aware of yourself while in the presence of the other. If you get too close, you can lose your sense of self. Too far away and you lose connection to your partner.

One thing that happened for many people in the pandemic is they became less intimate with the people with whom they were isolating, ironically because they were too close. Instead of feeling more connected, they felt trapped. Many became bored and annoyed with their partner’s constant presence. By being mostly indoors in close quarters, many created distance by ignoring their partner. Successful intimate relationship is always the balance of closeness and separateness. Intimacy is not the absence of “space-between-us,” it is inter-penetration while allowing for privacy.

Dating and Intimacy

In dating, a huge question is ‘what do I reveal and when?’ A chronic illness, a messy divorce, a difficult relationship with substances, children… What you share depends on the type of relationship you are in and/or hoping for.

What makes intimacy scary is the fear of rejection. If you show something of your deepest self to another and they reject you, it hurts more because it’s personal. You’re like the dog having shown its belly and getting bitten. You may need to review what you share and with whom.

With a casual dating relationship, you don’t need to share much. If you are looking to build a more substantive relationship, wait a few dates to share more details once you feel this person deserves to know you. For example, on a sex-only date you may not want to mention you have young children at home, or you have diabetes, or you are in recovery from addiction. Not revealing these important things in a more meaningful relationship will be damaging to your developing intimacy. Once you know you are interested in them and want to develop trust, open that intimate space between you and share something meaningful. Wouldn’t you want to know?

You can do it!

Intimacy is available to you. If you have questions about how to open yourself to more intimacy, email me to set up an appointment.

Attraction, Consent, Rejection

“As I was turning down a man’s advances today I realized I was trying to be nice about it… even after he hugged me without asking, bugged me for my phone number, and I had already said a few days ago that I wasn’t interested in going on a date with him.

So why was I trying to be nice? This deeply disturbed me. When I asked myself why, I realized that one of my calculations about how direct I feel I can be is the reality that most stalkers, kidnappers, and killers are men — and many are “set off” by the rejection of a woman.” —Shanya Luther, M. Div

The man in this example may have felt he was flirting, essentially paying her a compliment with his attention. What’s the difference between flirting and harassment? Flirting is welcome, harassment is not. Being able to tell the difference is knowing where you are welcome and where you are not.

Consent culture requires emotional maturity. It takes a lot of the guesswork out and replaces it with clarity. For this to work, everyone needs to be okay with rejection: both receiving and giving. Yes, it removes some of the mystery and it also removes much of the potential harm. Some will still avoid consent because taking what they want is as enjoyable as getting what they want. Some will avoid it because if you don’t ask, you don’t get a “no.”

What would happen if you slowed it down and took the time to become more sensitive to someone’s reactions, looking past the surface smile?

When a woman decides to reveal her real response she risks getting labeled a slut, a bitch, stuck up, disagreeable, “not a team player,” or any of a long list of names we call someone who is not doing what we want. Ask yourself: is she smiling because she’s into you, or is that smile saying; “please don’t hurt me”? Is she not smiling because she’s not amused or because she’s scared you might get angry? Frequently I hear men say they wished women would be more straightforward. This is why they are not.

Louis CK (now infamous for using his position of power over women to fulfill his own sexual whim) said: “A woman saying yes to a date with a man is literally insane… and ill-advised! Men are the number one threat to women.”

Also, men have a tendency to overestimate women’s interest in them, and women have a history of concealing their true response. (Carin Perilloux & Robert Kurzban, 2014)

Let that sink in a minute.

Between our cultural bias towards men initiating encounters, which requires a lot of guessing, courage, and risk; and women’s acculturated “niceness,” tendency to caretake, and realistic fear of invoking violence, it amazes me anyone actually enjoys a first date.

A friend shared a piece of advice given him when he was young and wondering how on earth to kiss a girl. Advice: touch her face. If she closes her eyes, she wants you to kiss her. If she keeps her eyes open, she doesn’t; take your hand down and move along without making a fool of yourself.

Most of us have had years of this mysterious courtship.

Being told as a young girl that boys are sometimes mean when they like you added to my confusion. In third grade when Sammy Oliver chased me around the playground trying to kiss me, I was furious. While telling my mom I cried; she was laughing.

By seventh grade (and into eighth and ninth and …) I talked for hours with my girlfriends, analyzing boys’ actions, sifting for clues to how they felt about me. “He kicked a soccer ball at me, do you think he likes me?” Are men also obscure about their interest or do they show it in different ways, like kicking a soccer ball at a crush? Or was that just random, or did he really not like me?

Much has been said recently about the “fragility of the male ego” and its relationship to male violence. The ability to tolerate emotional discomfort (aka rejection) is an acquired skill. The more you practice being responsible for your own feelings and not lashing out or blaming others, the more emotional capacity you grow. The more you sustain rejection with softness, the less brittle you become.

If you have a hard time with rejection and want some insight; if you feel rough around the edges with dating, sex, and consent, let’s work together. I am forming several groups in January 2018 to work on consent and beyond.

What do I mean when I say I love you? -or- I love the man I’m divorcing

Lately I’ve been thinking about love. As I move toward divorce I still have a strong connection to my partner. I’ve been peering deeply into this. Deeper than hurt and resentment, deeper than contempt which surely kills a relationship. (http://www.gottmanblog.com/four-horsemen/) As the other artifacts fall away something essential remains. What do I mean when I say I love you?

I’m talking about that gritty, tenacious, totally human, messy type of love. The thing that acknowledges change over time, expands and contracts. I’m not talking about sentiment. I’m talking about the way we show up for ourselves and each other that defies logic. That which is unshaken by disappointment, bad behavior, personality conflicts, hurt feelings, pettiness. The thing that grows over time and remains. I can’t help it, can’t stop it.

Love is all you need?

Love is not all you need, and nowhere near all you get. Love shows up along with attachment, neediness, manipulation, fear of abandonment, possession, expectation, implication, exclusion.

Love is the excuse for a million things that are not love.

Love comes packaged with hurt. I’ve been asked if there isn’t a way to love without being vulnerable. Nope. It’s the same channel, straight to your most tender places. Open for love equals open for hurt.

It’s easy to love from a distance. As you get closer you start to notice things. Annoying things. Things that you don’t love, but it’s a package deal, isn’t it? Love me, love my warts. That’s our basic predicament.

Unconditional love?

As soon as someone starts to matter, conditions show up. Love becomes a way to prove something: my worth, your worth, the validity of my choices, emotional purity. A call for unconditional love is striving for selflessness in a mostly selfish, very flawed human with wants and needs and fears up the wazoo. Expecting unconditional love from a partner is a good way to stay lonely.

True love?

True Love implies false love. It might be true lust instead, and we know that lust is notoriously fickle. We mistake lust for love. We then attach specific behaviors to love. “I only do that with someone I love.” “I can’t do that with someone I love.” “If you loved me you would….” “If you loved me you wouldn’t….” We even call our sex partners “lovers.”

A friend was having an affair with a married man. She scared the hell out of him by telling him “I only have sex with people I love, so I guess I love you.” That was the last thing she got to say to him.

How can we tell true from false? How long do you have to wait to find out if you’ve been fooling yourself or someone’s been fooling you?

Real life love.

This love doesn’t expect anything in return. (Sometimes I don’t even tell the person I feel this with.) Do I say this lightly? Sometimes, when it feels light. Love is easy for me, it’s a natural function close to happiness.

So what do I mean when I say I love you? I refer to the entity that lives between us. It connects me to you. A living thing that has arisen out of the very center of me and winds its way to you, seeking your depth. Some part of me is willing to sidle up to you, to get close enough to be hurt. Exposed. Intimate. Perhaps this tender, young thing matures into the gritty, tenacious thing with time and experience.

Perhaps it is true, and unconditional too.

Grieving and Living

Do you avoid thinking of those whom you have lost either to death, to moving away, or by breaking off a relationship?

If someone nearby begins to cry or expresses sorrow do you quietly panic and get away as fast as possible? Do you attempt to stop them?

Do feelings of sadness and loss arise in moments of joy or intimacy?

Undigested grief gets in the way of living. It colors our thoughts and feelings and comes between us and those we love. That a National Grieving Day exists says something about how prevalent this is.

When my father died I was surprised by my grief. My relationship with my dad wasn’t easy. In his last few years I distanced myself in order to keep healthy boundaries. I had already grieved the dad I didn’t have, the one I wished I had. His death didn’t come as a surprise and still it shook me. For about six months every time I had sex I would dissolve in tears of grief. My husband was patient and supportive. He had lost his mother a few years before and had no support for his grieving.

I would go about my days upright, getting things done, feeling okay. Until we made love. Then somewhere in the middle, memories of my dad would visit me. I was awash with waves of anger, frustration, and love. I needed to be held.

It is more difficult to grieve alone. Something in us wants to be witnessed. Having someone to hold you and hold that moment for you to feel and fall into helps to let it dissolve and pass. At times I would do anything to not feel that grief on my own. It feels like it can swallow me, that I would drown in it. Sometimes I can manage it, sometimes I need help, or to turn away entirely.

Today I am facing the end of my marriage. Waves of conflicting thoughts and feelings, mixed memories and emotions come over me. Some days I’m barely functional. Talking about little things that irritate can lead me to underlying sadness; that’s a relief. When I have identified that I’m grieving I’m less likely to blame others for annoying me, less likely to distract myself or stop the process, to get lost in circular thinking or complaining. Being held makes it easier for me to hold my discomfort.

Do you have a friend or loved one to whom you can turn, who won’t try to “fix” you but can hold you in your despair? If not, please contact me. You don’t have to manage it alone.

National Grieving Day is http://nationalgrievingday.comNovember 22nd, 2014.

Do You Fantasize During Sex?

Is it possible to have fantasy enrich your sex life? Detract from it? Replace it?

Looking into the content of our fantasies, we can learn about our needs and motivations. Do you fantasize about things you actually do, things you want to do, or things you would never do? Understand that your fantasies have a life of their own; for example, fantasizing about rape doesn’t mean that you actually want to rape someone or actually be raped. The content of your fantasies is largely unconscious. It doesn’t necessarily mean anything about the kind of person you are, and many, many people have similar fantasies. Chances are if you’re thinking about it, someone else is too.

Do you fantasize during sex? Does your partner? I recommend having a conversation with your partner about sharing fantasy. You may not want someone in your head with you! But if you are willing to talk about it, you could use your fantasy to add excitement to your sex.

However, if you are busy with your fantasy instead of paying attention to your partner, your connection will suffer. You may get off, but your partner will likely notice you’re not actually there with them. Have you ever had sex with someone who was distracted and obviously not paying attention? It’s a drag.

If sex is best when you pretend you’re somewhere else with someone else, call me; I can help you assess the situation. We can see if there is some way to shift your dynamic. Your preference to ‘be somewhere else’ might be your discomfort with vulnerability, or might signal a deeper issue.