Discomfort Archives | Dr. Kelly Rees

Attraction, Consent, Rejection

“As I was turning down a man’s advances today I realized I was trying to be nice about it… even after he hugged me without asking, bugged me for my phone number, and I had already said a few days ago that I wasn’t interested in going on a date with him.

So why was I trying to be nice? This deeply disturbed me. When I asked myself why, I realized that one of my calculations about how direct I feel I can be is the reality that most stalkers, kidnappers, and killers are men — and many are “set off” by the rejection of a woman.” —Shanya Luther, M. Div

The man in this example may have felt he was flirting, essentially paying her a compliment with his attention. What’s the difference between flirting and harassment? Flirting is welcome, harassment is not. Being able to tell the difference is knowing where you are welcome and where you are not.

Consent culture requires emotional maturity. It takes a lot of the guesswork out and replaces it with clarity. For this to work, everyone needs to be okay with rejection: both receiving and giving. Yes, it removes some of the mystery and it also removes much of the potential harm. Some will still avoid consent because taking what they want is as enjoyable as getting what they want. Some will avoid it because if you don’t ask, you don’t get a “no.”

What would happen if you slowed it down and took the time to become more sensitive to someone’s reactions, looking past the surface smile?

When a woman decides to reveal her real response she risks getting labeled a slut, a bitch, stuck up, disagreeable, “not a team player,” or any of a long list of names we call someone who is not doing what we want. Ask yourself: is she smiling because she’s into you, or is that smile saying; “please don’t hurt me”? Is she not smiling because she’s not amused or because she’s scared you might get angry? Frequently I hear men say they wished women would be more straightforward. This is why they are not.

Louis CK (now infamous for using his position of power over women to fulfill his own sexual whim) said: “A woman saying yes to a date with a man is literally insane… and ill-advised! Men are the number one threat to women.”

Also, men have a tendency to overestimate women’s interest in them, and women have a history of concealing their true response. (Carin Perilloux & Robert Kurzban, 2014)

Let that sink in a minute.

Between our cultural bias towards men initiating encounters, which requires a lot of guessing, courage, and risk; and women’s acculturated “niceness,” tendency to caretake, and realistic fear of invoking violence, it amazes me anyone actually enjoys a first date.

A friend shared a piece of advice given him when he was young and wondering how on earth to kiss a girl. Advice: touch her face. If she closes her eyes, she wants you to kiss her. If she keeps her eyes open, she doesn’t; take your hand down and move along without making a fool of yourself.

Most of us have had years of this mysterious courtship.

Being told as a young girl that boys are sometimes mean when they like you added to my confusion. In third grade when Sammy Oliver chased me around the playground trying to kiss me, I was furious. While telling my mom I cried; she was laughing.

By seventh grade (and into eighth and ninth and …) I talked for hours with my girlfriends, analyzing boys’ actions, sifting for clues to how they felt about me. “He kicked a soccer ball at me, do you think he likes me?” Are men also obscure about their interest or do they show it in different ways, like kicking a soccer ball at a crush? Or was that just random, or did he really not like me?

Much has been said recently about the “fragility of the male ego” and its relationship to male violence. The ability to tolerate emotional discomfort (aka rejection) is an acquired skill. The more you practice being responsible for your own feelings and not lashing out or blaming others, the more emotional capacity you grow. The more you sustain rejection with softness, the less brittle you become.

If you have a hard time with rejection and want some insight; if you feel rough around the edges with dating, sex, and consent, let’s work together. I am forming several groups in January 2018 to work on consent and beyond.

Sex is Like Food

Sex is like food. How are you feeding yourself?

I love potato chips. I also love doughnuts and ice cream and I rarely eat them. Okay, a handful of chips with something else, a tablespoon of ice cream standing in front of the sink. A doughnut (or two) is an excellent gorge. My indulgence is self-limiting because I pay attention to how I feel after I eat. I feel best when I feed myself greens and fish.

And a bite of chocolate.

And some wine.

Everyone has different nutritional needs. When I try someone else’s choices sometimes I suffer. Too much pasta leaves me sick, bloated, and regretful. Too much red meat and I feel like a meatloaf myself.

(Disclosure: I gave myself a potato chip hangover this weekend.)

How does this work for sex? Is there such thing as snack-sex? What’s a well-balanced sex meal?

For me, I feel happiest and healthiest after a deep, languorous sexual encounter that meets me on all levels (body, heart, mind, soul). I am up for encounters that are not all of those and if I have to choose, I prefer intimacy without sex rather than sex without intimacy.

But that’s just me.

There are 270 different religions in the world and according to the Dalai Lama we need them all.There are so many flavors of sex, we probably need all of them too.

Think of me as your sexual dietitian. Let’s look together at what gives you sustenance, what you do out of habit, and where you might cut back. What does your sexual diet consist of, which activities leave you feeling well-fed and fulfilled? We all have different digestive requirements.

Still hungry after an encounter? Let’s find out what’s missing.

Feel like you’re over-indulging? Let’s get you back on track.

Are you starving? I’m full of ideas about finding nourishment where you might not expect.

Contact me to set up a session.

Grieving and Living

Do you avoid thinking of those whom you have lost either to death, to moving away, or by breaking off a relationship?

If someone nearby begins to cry or expresses sorrow do you quietly panic and get away as fast as possible? Do you attempt to stop them?

Do feelings of sadness and loss arise in moments of joy or intimacy?

Undigested grief gets in the way of living. It colors our thoughts and feelings and comes between us and those we love. That a National Grieving Day exists says something about how prevalent this is.

When my father died I was surprised by my grief. My relationship with my dad wasn’t easy. In his last few years I distanced myself in order to keep healthy boundaries. I had already grieved the dad I didn’t have, the one I wished I had. His death didn’t come as a surprise and still it shook me. For about six months every time I had sex I would dissolve in tears of grief. My husband was patient and supportive. He had lost his mother a few years before and had no support for his grieving.

I would go about my days upright, getting things done, feeling okay. Until we made love. Then somewhere in the middle, memories of my dad would visit me. I was awash with waves of anger, frustration, and love. I needed to be held.

It is more difficult to grieve alone. Something in us wants to be witnessed. Having someone to hold you and hold that moment for you to feel and fall into helps to let it dissolve and pass. At times I would do anything to not feel that grief on my own. It feels like it can swallow me, that I would drown in it. Sometimes I can manage it, sometimes I need help, or to turn away entirely.

Today I am facing the end of my marriage. Waves of conflicting thoughts and feelings, mixed memories and emotions come over me. Some days I’m barely functional. Talking about little things that irritate can lead me to underlying sadness; that’s a relief. When I have identified that I’m grieving I’m less likely to blame others for annoying me, less likely to distract myself or stop the process, to get lost in circular thinking or complaining. Being held makes it easier for me to hold my discomfort.

Do you have a friend or loved one to whom you can turn, who won’t try to “fix” you but can hold you in your despair? If not, please contact me. You don’t have to manage it alone.

National Grieving Day is http://nationalgrievingday.comNovember 22nd, 2014.