Dr. Kelly Rees  intimacy | sexuality | pleasure
Dr. Kelly Rees
intimacy | sexuality | pleasure
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intimacy | sexuality | pleasure

Strange Days

Strange days, these. Don’t underestimate the stress we are living with. Some days are easier than others and my ability to manage it comes in waves.

A bad day begins with a feeling of uneasiness. Maybe nothing “happens” but the accumulation of annoying adjustments. The grocery store is out of toilet paper again,  people aren’t wearing masks correctly, our country is run by a buffoon who prefers cronyism to science. My city has seen nightly protests against police violence which have been met with both violence and inaction. I fume behind my mask and rage in my car. Road rage? Outrage. I am so angry. I am sarcastic and snipe at my partner. This is my Hell-Zone.

A day or two later upon waking I feel sad and notice the anger is gone. I’m missing my friends, missing hugs, missing seeing clients in person. I miss touching things while shopping, smelling the fruit and trusting unwrapped fresh bread. I am wistful. The loss is acute and palpable. I want to crawl into bed and cry. It is hard for me to answer the phone when a friend calls; I don’t want to cry into the phone.

The next day is neutral. I can accept the adjustments without feeling personally harassed. I feel compassion for the lady throwing a tantrum in Costco: her Hell-Zone looks worse than mine. I am grateful for practices that encourage me to feel my feelings fully so they don’t explode like shrapnel.

And the next day I wake feeling light. I get up earlier to enjoy the silence or the sounds of the neighbor’s four-year-old daughter singing in the backyard. It is enough to sit still and breathe. My mood is kindness. I am not anxious, not worried about having enough money or toilet paper. I trust that I am fine, I will be fine. I feel joyful for no reason.

I have noticed this cycle in myself, my friends, and in clients. Recognizing that is it a cycle is helpful. I find my place in it and the world seems less chaotic. It doesn’t help with finding more money or toilet paper but it helps infinitely with my sense of wellbeing and my ability to relax into what’s happening now.

Grieving and Living

Do you avoid thinking of those whom you have lost either to death, to moving away, or by breaking off a relationship?

If someone nearby begins to cry or expresses sorrow do you quietly panic and get away as fast as possible? Do you attempt to stop them?

Do feelings of sadness and loss arise in moments of joy or intimacy?

Undigested grief gets in the way of living. It colors our thoughts and feelings and comes between us and those we love. That a National Grieving Day exists says something about how prevalent this is.

When my father died I was surprised by my grief. My relationship with my dad wasn’t easy. In his last few years I distanced myself in order to keep healthy boundaries. I had already grieved the dad I didn’t have, the one I wished I had. His death didn’t come as a surprise and still it shook me. For about six months every time I had sex I would dissolve in tears of grief. My husband was patient and supportive. He had lost his mother a few years before and had no support for his grieving.

I would go about my days upright, getting things done, feeling okay. Until we made love. Then somewhere in the middle, memories of my dad would visit me. I was awash with waves of anger, frustration, and love. I needed to be held.

It is more difficult to grieve alone. Something in us wants to be witnessed. Having someone to hold you and hold that moment for you to feel and fall into helps to let it dissolve and pass. At times I would do anything to not feel that grief on my own. It feels like it can swallow me, that I would drown in it. Sometimes I can manage it, sometimes I need help, or to turn away entirely.

Today I am facing the end of my marriage. Waves of conflicting thoughts and feelings, mixed memories and emotions come over me. Some days I’m barely functional. Talking about little things that irritate can lead me to underlying sadness; that’s a relief. When I have identified that I’m grieving I’m less likely to blame others for annoying me, less likely to distract myself or stop the process, to get lost in circular thinking or complaining. Being held makes it easier for me to hold my discomfort.

Do you have a friend or loved one to whom you can turn, who won’t try to “fix” you but can hold you in your despair? If not, please contact me. You don’t have to manage it alone.

National Grieving Day is http://nationalgrievingday.comNovember 22nd, 2014.