Body Project questionnaire #1, May 2024
The invitation was to write at least a sentence. (All sharing was done anonymously.) I have permission to compile and publish online. Below are the first set of questions and responses from real people. I have such gratitude for those who shared.
The hurt from this kind of casual or intentional meanness can last a lifetime. Whether it’s anger directed toward the self or disgust flung from another, thoughts like this are damaging and insidious. It’s possible to accept this kind of messaging as being “for my own good” because thinness equals merit, and we have a tendency to believe the worst about ourselves. Here’s what I know: you can’t hate yourself into wholeness. Cutting remarks (or private thoughts) are like poison.
“Comments are often in the present, while my self-image has a longer time span.”
Person A:
What comments about your body by your significant others, close friends, or family members affected your sense of your self?
When I receive a compliment, it is often placed in the context of decades of negative objectification, and hence often discounted. However, I do appreciate compliments from friends and intimate partners, as I trust them, and can feel a glow of self-worth, achievement, and embodiment. When I receive an evaluative comment, I feel frustration as I desire for my body to be more vibrant than it currently is.
How did those comments affect your perception of your body?
External comments are a frame and lens for how I self-perceive my own body. Comments are often in the present, while my self-image has a longer time span (which is something nostalgic).
How did those comments affect your confidence with others?
External comments are a frame and lens for how I self-perceive my own body. My sense of self shifts over time, in particular around how vibrant my blood is flowing (literally and metaphorically).
What lingering effects (if any) do you still feel?
Foucault’s Panopticon… of course…
“I still think about what he said every once in a while, and it has affected my perception of my body and aging.”
Person B:
What comments about your body by your significant others, close friends, or family members affected your sense of your self?
One day many years ago when I was at my most fit, a friend told me that my lover had confided in her that he didn’t want a long-term relationship with me because he believed I was “the type that gets fat when they get old”. When she pressed him about how he would know that, he said he just knew it. She told me this not out of cruelty, but to warn me about him. I stopped seeing him after that, but the feeling that he was right kept creeping in.
How did those comments affect your perception of your body?
Now that I am older, and larger, I still think about what he said every once in a while, and it has affected my perception of my body and aging. I look back on photos of that time and I’m aware that I was beautiful then, and feel my body now is inadequate and has betrayed me.
How did those comments affect your confidence with others?
It has been harder for me to trust and appreciate my own body’s changes as I have aged. As I gain weight I feel more unloveable.
What lingering effects (if any) do you still feel?
Self-esteem issues exist and get more pernicious as I get older. I sometimes feel my own body is unlovable, even though I know my current partner appreciates and loves my curves, and we have a healthy sex life.
“I love that my granddaughter loves her big butt!”
Person C:
What comments about your body by your significant others, close friends, or family members affected your sense of your self?
My mother, who was overweight the whole time I knew her, was critical of my weight while focusing on my small breasts from the onset of puberty. She was still “joking” about them when she died at 80. My first boyfriend in high school said, “They’ll probably grow more”–implying that they weren’t big enough then. When I looked at my firstborn at 6 months old and knew that everything she was (other than 1/2 the “blueprint”) had come from my body and my breasts, I thought fuck you all. This is what breasts are for!
How did those comments affect your perception of your body?
I have always been uncomfortable with my “pear shaped” body. If only I’d been raised in Oakland where big booties are prized! My current husband and family compliment me. I love that my granddaughter loves her big butt! But as I age and develop a belly, it’s still hard to like what I see in the mirror.
How did those comments affect your confidence with others?
I was always embarrassed in new relationships though no one after that first high school jerk ever said anything uncomplimentary.
What lingering effects (if any) do you still feel?
I started working out for the first time during COVID–in my 70s. I would love to be able to embrace that I am doing this for my health and not worry about my weight. So far that isn’t my reality.
“I felt endangered on the streets due to attention from adult males.”
Person D:
What comments about your body by your significant others, close friends, or family members affected your sense of your self?
Actually, I don’t recall my family making many comments about my body. It was attention from strangers and kids at school that discomfited me most. The girls in 5th grade accused me of stuffing my bra.
I do recall my father once saying that I was not beautiful when I was around 11-12 years old. I flung myself behind the bushes in front of our house and cried my eyes out.
How did those comments affect your perception of your body?
Whether it was the boys in 5th grade talking about my “milk cartons” or how uncomfortable the male gaze was coming from older men, it served to make me want to disappear. My perception was that my body was too much and I always felt vulnerable about the size of my chest in particular. The result was a slumping posture in an attempt to minimize what was going on out in front of me. This lead myself and others to perceive me as heavy even when I wasn’t. Thinking I was fat led me to dieting which eventually added another 7lbs for each diet. So, 7 major diets since I was a teenager seems to have gifted me an additional 50lbs. Dentists tell me my teeth de-mineralized and the re-mineralized along the way.
As for my father’s comment, I have tried to compensate by being quick, clever, and funny. However, others often describe me as beautiful, and I have come to accept that a fair percentage find me so. But I have disconnected from the effects of that compliment, even disdain it due to its focus on my hard-won interior qualities and significant accomplishments, rather than my genetic gifts.
How did those comments affect your confidence with others?
Well, I certainly felt oddly and resentfully about complying with the commands I got from my maternal side of the family to “sit (or stand) up straight.” You’d think they’d get it, being well-endowed themselves! If I did what they said my breasts would always arrive first in any given room and it might seem I was showing off, even though I was actually embarrassed by my endowments. Like, if I did what they wanted I’d actually be pushing the darned things in people’s faces.
And, I felt endangered on the streets due to attention from adult males. So, I learned to scan for the possibility of excess attention, avoid it where possible, be alert for escape routes; and I learned to run fast!
What lingering effects (if any) do you still feel?
I think the word “dysmorphic” fits. I struggle with posture. I still think my body is too much and that it is weird in shape. Even when I’ve lost a bunch of weight it is still not presentable. My breasts remain a problem, but for different reasons, because they are and always have been in proportion to the rest of me. I often dream of breast reduction or other plastic surgery solutions.
“I’d be chatting about how pleased I was with something going right in my life and I’d be reminded that I still had a fat ass.”
Person E:
What comments about your body by your significant others, close friends, or family members affected your sense of your self?
Even though I have relatives who are several sizes larger than me, I was fat shamed by my extended family. These comments came out of the blue – I’d be chatting about how pleased I was with something going right in my life and I’d be reminded that I still had a fat ass. This was part of an ongoing process of scapegoating me for speaking out about their rampant alcoholism (which I now realize was also filled with narcissistic energies).
My hippie parents explained sex to me by answering my Qs exactly as I asked them – so I knew the clinical terms for sex but not the schoolyard slang. I also enjoyed sex as an act of pleasure starting when I was seven and discovered the pleasures of sitting under the bathroom faucet and having our dog lick me. This gave me the sense that it was OK for my body to experience pleasure though in hindsight some of the “Doctor” games played with high school boys and even a female cousin strike me was inappropriate at best. Not abusive, just that parental supervision and guidance was needed to help me make better decisions re: who I connected with here.
How did those comments affect your perception of your body?
I considered myself fat and unsexy for years. Learning to be naked at nude beaches let alone sex parties has been truly liberating.
How did those comments affect your confidence with others?
I’ve learned to ignore the “beautiful” people, the influencers, etc. though some days the media messaging can get me down.
What lingering effects (if any) do you still feel?
Some days I feel fat even though I’m with a partner who likes me just as I am so that’s helping me heal. But still when I go to a party and get ignored as folks are focusing on the fun hot chick, it does feel weird.
“I have never lived without thinking that I had to lose weight, despite looking back at my weight and body size and various ages and realizing how thin I actually was at the time.”
Person F:
What comments about your body by your significant others, close friends, or family members affected your sense of your self?
At 5’10, 130 pounds, my father called me a “tub of lard” when was a teenager.
As a child, my mother restricted my diet and told me that I needed to be careful of what I ate so that I’d “look nice in my swimsuit.” In pictures, I can see that I had an average, if not slim, build.
My brother used to tell me I had a “big butt” all the time. His friends occasionally chimed in as well.
How did those comments affect your perception of your body?
I carry them all to this day. I have never lived without thinking that I had to lose weight, despite looking back at my weight and body size and various ages and realizing how thin I actually was at the time.
I calorie count and exercise constantly and it’s never for the health benefits. The objective is always body image and slimming down.
How did those comments affect your confidence with others?
I have social anxiety, and my body image is a part of my issue. I feel like I’m being constantly scrutinized everywhere I go.
What lingering effects (if any) do you still feel?
Social anxiety, low self esteem, stress.
“I always thought I was not perfect enough, wanting to LOSE weight, even at 105…”
Person G:
What comments about your body by your significant others, close friends, or family members affected your sense of your self?
One thing comes to mind. An all women massage group exercise was for each of us to be told by the others what their best feature was. Everyone said my little feet.
How did those comments affect your perception of your body?
I always thought I was not perfect enough, wanting to LOSE weight, even at 105, but now I was 120, 5’5″. I believed that is all they could find that was beautiful.
How did those comments affect your confidence with others?
They just fed into my ongoing belief that I needed to be Barbie Level to be attractive.
What lingering effects (if any) do you still feel?
I feel really happy about myself. It is so clear to me now, esp. older, that beauty and attractiveness are So Much More than that surface and singular Barbie perfection. I usually Love my body and dress it up. I do get my panties in a bunch when i go out dancing and, God Forbid, might be seen naked as I don’t believe Others will see me as at all beautiful or attractive – and so the paradigm lingers – somewhat . . .
“Or seeing a heavier woman, and him saying “She looks like the back of a bus.””
Person H:
What comments about your body by your significant others, close friends, or family members affected your sense of your self?
Comments from my father like “You look fine, but don’t gain an ounce.” Or seeing a heavier woman, and him saying “She looks like the back of a bus.”
How did those comments affect your perception of your body?
I learned to gaining weight was bad and would make me look ugly.
How did those comments affect your confidence with others?
It made me feel perpetually self conscious.
What lingering effects (if any) do you still feel?
I still feel “not quite right” if I am heavier than I think I should be. I still feel embarrassed to wear shorts and sleeveless tops, because they reveal my heavy legs and arms.
“Over half a lifetime later and I am still working to undo the conditioning that a smaller body is a ‘better’ body.”
Person I:
What comments about your body by your significant others, close friends, or family members affected your sense of your self?
There were 3 girls in my family at the time that my dad made the comment, something along the lines of ‘how interesting that each one of his daughters had a different body type. (I) was built like an athlete, T was slender, and L was curvy.’
How did those comments affect your perception of your body?
I understood from the comment that i had a body that was desirable, whereas L did not. this kicked off years of having my identity + self worth wrapped up in how fit I was or wasn’t (not to mention how the comment affected L!)
How did those comments affect your confidence with others?
If i was low body fat, i was confident. if i gained any weight, I lost that confidence.
What lingering effects (if any) do you still feel?
Over half a lifetime later and I am still working to undo the conditioning that a smaller body is a ‘better’ body.
“… constant reinforcement that my body is an objectified “thing” that other people get to evaluate, judge, critique or admire.”
Person J:
What comments about your body by your significant others, close friends, or family members affected your sense of your self?
Growing up female in the 60’s and 70’s means that everyone is constantly commenting on your (female) body, their own (female) body and every other woman’s body. The bad part for me wasn’t specifically being shamed for my specific body, but the constant reinforcement that my body is an objectified “thing” that other people get to evaluate, judge, critique or admire.
How did those comments affect your perception of your body?
My body was an enemy I could try to dominate, an out of control alien I could be victimized by or a ticket to fame and fortune if I could only get it together to make it conform.
How did those comments affect your confidence with others?
What confidence?
What lingering effects (if any) do you still feel?
I’m 63 and I may sorta kinda have gotten over my body dysmorphia, if for no other reason that by the time gravity starts to really have its way with you, you better as figure out how to feel ok about yourself or you’re going to be miserable forever.
“I can’t handle that perhaps the first thought in their head when they see me, is how old, ugly, and fat I am.”
Person K:
What comments about your body by your significant others, close friends, or family members affected your sense of your self?
It’s my own inner dialog
Now in my mid 60’s,
I’m no longer young, skinny & cute
How did those comments affect your perception of your body?
My inner dialog tells me l’m old, ugly & fat, shouldn’t even leave the house
How did those comments affect your confidence with others?
I have lovers from my past who want to engage. l crave to get laid, but totally avoid it
What lingering effects (if any) do you still feel?
I can’t handle that perhaps the first thought in their head when they see me, is how old, ugly, and fat I am.
Thank you to all respondents!
Click here to read and respond to the current Body Project topic.