Blog | Dr. Kelly Rees

Strange Days

Strange days, these. Don’t underestimate the stress we are living with. Some days are easier than others and my ability to manage it comes in waves.

A bad day begins with a feeling of uneasiness. Maybe nothing “happens” but the accumulation of annoying adjustments. The grocery store is out of toilet paper again, people aren’t wearing masks correctly, our country is run by a buffoon who prefers cronyism to science. My city has seen nightly protests against police violence which have been met with both violence and inaction. I fume behind my mask and rage in my car. Road rage? Outrage. I am so angry. I am sarcastic and snipe at my partner. This is my Hell-Zone.

A day or two later upon waking I feel sad and notice the anger is gone. I’m missing my friends, missing hugs, missing seeing clients in person. I miss touching things while shopping, smelling the fruit and trusting unwrapped fresh bread. I am wistful. The loss is acute and palpable. I want to crawl into bed and cry. It is hard for me to answer the phone when a friend calls; I don’t want to cry into the phone.

The next day is neutral. I can accept the adjustments without feeling personally harassed. I feel compassion for the lady throwing a tantrum in Costco: her Hell-Zone looks worse than mine. I am grateful for practices that encourage me to feel my feelings fully so they don’t explode like shrapnel.

And the next day I wake feeling light. I get up earlier to enjoy the silence or the sounds of the neighbor’s four-year-old daughter singing in the backyard. It is enough to sit still and breathe. My mood is kindness. I am not anxious, not worried about having enough money or toilet paper. I trust that I am fine, I will be fine. I feel joyful for no reason.

I have noticed this cycle in myself, my friends, and in clients. Recognizing that is it a cycle is helpful. I find my place in it and the world seems less chaotic. It doesn’t help with finding more money or toilet paper but it helps infinitely with my sense of wellbeing and my ability to relax into what’s happening now.

Moving Toward Wholeness This Summer

Recently I was speaking with a friend who suffered a traumatic loss several years ago. Their loss was still fresh in their mind and heart. The weight of tragedy has only slightly diminished over time, and they struggle daily to maintain, be present for their family, do their job, have a social life.

I was reminded of people attending the workshop The Universal Experience. Participating in and assisting Alan on this powerful workshop I have witnessed people who have suffered painful losses. They may have been divorced, lost their job, lost a dear friendship. They may have suffered the death of a parent, partner, sibling, or child. Some have been trapped in their grief, some stuck in flatness. Some have valiantly striven to be “normal” all the while still suffering inside.

Alan’s structures put you in touch with your whole range of emotions, freeing the places that have become trapped. They integrate feeling with thinking and doing, bringing breath and love back into the center of being.

From Alan:

“The unique processes and meditations of The Universal Experience restore death as an infinite mystery, and life as your very personal journey of embracing all it has to offer, including its ending. In the most natural way, your own experience in these 3 days also gives you all you need to be able to be there with wise and caring presence for loved ones, friends and others coming to the end of their lives.”

You can read more about the Universal Experience here: /http://artofbeing.com/events/the-universal-experience-portland-usa/

Attraction, Consent, Rejection

“As I was turning down a man’s advances today I realized I was trying to be nice about it… even after he hugged me without asking, bugged me for my phone number, and I had already said a few days ago that I wasn’t interested in going on a date with him.

So why was I trying to be nice? This deeply disturbed me. When I asked myself why, I realized that one of my calculations about how direct I feel I can be is the reality that most stalkers, kidnappers, and killers are men — and many are “set off” by the rejection of a woman.” —Shanya Luther, M. Div

The man in this example may have felt he was flirting, essentially paying her a compliment with his attention. What’s the difference between flirting and harassment? Flirting is welcome, harassment is not. Being able to tell the difference is knowing where you are welcome and where you are not.

Consent culture requires emotional maturity. It takes a lot of the guesswork out and replaces it with clarity. For this to work, everyone needs to be okay with rejection: both receiving and giving. Yes, it removes some of the mystery and it also removes much of the potential harm. Some will still avoid consent because taking what they want is as enjoyable as getting what they want. Some will avoid it because if you don’t ask, you don’t get a “no.”

What would happen if you slowed it down and took the time to become more sensitive to someone’s reactions, looking past the surface smile?

When a woman decides to reveal her real response she risks getting labeled a slut, a bitch, stuck up, disagreeable, “not a team player,” or any of a long list of names we call someone who is not doing what we want. Ask yourself: is she smiling because she’s into you, or is that smile saying; “please don’t hurt me”? Is she not smiling because she’s not amused or because she’s scared you might get angry? Frequently I hear men say they wished women would be more straightforward. This is why they are not.

Louis CK (now infamous for using his position of power over women to fulfill his own sexual whim) said: “A woman saying yes to a date with a man is literally insane… and ill-advised! Men are the number one threat to women.”

Also, men have a tendency to overestimate women’s interest in them, and women have a history of concealing their true response. (Carin Perilloux & Robert Kurzban, 2014)

Let that sink in a minute.

Between our cultural bias towards men initiating encounters, which requires a lot of guessing, courage, and risk; and women’s acculturated “niceness,” tendency to caretake, and realistic fear of invoking violence, it amazes me anyone actually enjoys a first date.

A friend shared a piece of advice given him when he was young and wondering how on earth to kiss a girl. Advice: touch her face. If she closes her eyes, she wants you to kiss her. If she keeps her eyes open, she doesn’t; take your hand down and move along without making a fool of yourself.

Most of us have had years of this mysterious courtship.

Being told as a young girl that boys are sometimes mean when they like you added to my confusion. In third grade when Sammy Oliver chased me around the playground trying to kiss me, I was furious. While telling my mom I cried; she was laughing.

By seventh grade (and into eighth and ninth and …) I talked for hours with my girlfriends, analyzing boys’ actions, sifting for clues to how they felt about me. “He kicked a soccer ball at me, do you think he likes me?” Are men also obscure about their interest or do they show it in different ways, like kicking a soccer ball at a crush? Or was that just random, or did he really not like me?

Much has been said recently about the “fragility of the male ego” and its relationship to male violence. The ability to tolerate emotional discomfort (aka rejection) is an acquired skill. The more you practice being responsible for your own feelings and not lashing out or blaming others, the more emotional capacity you grow. The more you sustain rejection with softness, the less brittle you become.

If you have a hard time with rejection and want some insight; if you feel rough around the edges with dating, sex, and consent, let’s work together. I am forming several groups in January 2018 to work on consent and beyond.

Pleasure—I’m soaking in it!

Pleasure. While it’s not the point of life, it certainly makes me want to stick around longer.

We have at least five physical senses and they are conduits to pleasure. I may have asked you if you consciously choose music you listen to, if you compose your meal to include delicious flavors and balanced colors, if you wear clothes that feel and look great. There are so many opportunities for pleasure every single day.

The next time you shower, take a moment to feel the water. Note the temperature, the scent of the soap, the texture of the spray or the washcloth. Everything in my shower smells good, the towels are fluffy and soft, and the perfect shade of blue. Sometimes I play music while showering too. It doesn’t take longer to make it as pleasurable as possible. Even if you shave in the shower with one hand while brushing your teeth with the other, you can still choose soap and toothpaste you enjoy.

Emotional pleasure is what makes us want to be together. When you walk in the door and I smile at you, when your dog tilts his head at the sound of your voice, when your child throws their arms around your neck and says those three little words; it’s the ways in which our hearts are touched.

Make pleasure a focus. Getting pleasurable touch takes away the stress of the day, it doesn’t have to be sexual. You know I’m a huge hug advocate! Have you offered or asked for a foot rub lately? Have you gazed into someone’s eyes lately? Have you played music together?

You may be very focused: eating right, exercising religiously, barely getting enough sleep, working very hard and long hours. You treat your life like a job. You may carry a lot of stress. Take a moment to think where you could add a little pleasure to your life. Can you add a work of art to your workspace? A favorite photo of your loved ones? Finding ways to let stress off during the day and in the evening. You will live longer and more comfortably for it.

Sex is Like Food

Sex is like food. How are you feeding yourself?

I love potato chips. I also love doughnuts and ice cream and I rarely eat them. Okay, a handful of chips with something else, a tablespoon of ice cream standing in front of the sink. A doughnut (or two) is an excellent gorge. My indulgence is self-limiting because I pay attention to how I feel after I eat. I feel best when I feed myself greens and fish.

And a bite of chocolate.

And some wine.

Everyone has different nutritional needs. When I try someone else’s choices sometimes I suffer. Too much pasta leaves me sick, bloated, and regretful. Too much red meat and I feel like a meatloaf myself.

(Disclosure: I gave myself a potato chip hangover this weekend.)

How does this work for sex? Is there such thing as snack-sex? What’s a well-balanced sex meal?

For me, I feel happiest and healthiest after a deep, languorous sexual encounter that meets me on all levels (body, heart, mind, soul). I am up for encounters that are not all of those and if I have to choose, I prefer intimacy without sex rather than sex without intimacy.

But that’s just me.

There are 270 different religions in the world and according to the Dalai Lama we need them all.There are so many flavors of sex, we probably need all of them too.

Think of me as your sexual dietitian. Let’s look together at what gives you sustenance, what you do out of habit, and where you might cut back. What does your sexual diet consist of, which activities leave you feeling well-fed and fulfilled? We all have different digestive requirements.

Still hungry after an encounter? Let’s find out what’s missing.

Feel like you’re over-indulging? Let’s get you back on track.

Are you starving? I’m full of ideas about finding nourishment where you might not expect.

Contact me to set up a session.