When sex is good, it takes us beyond our self and into our Self. For some few moments we are larger than our personality and preferences.
From an intimate relationship we need two opposing things: safety and excitement. In the beginning, sex can be thrilling! Over time we become closer, answering our need for stability, safety. Over time we become so familiar with our partner that the spark dissipates.
This may sound romantic, but it squelches erotic charge and sex loses its sizzle. A certain amount of breathing room is necessary to keep life in a relationship. This takes conscious effort! It could mean some discomfort as your partner lives their own life. And it’s so worth it.
Vulnerability is a gateway to expansive feeling. When we can allow ourselves to feel vulnerable with our partner, to allow them to really see us, we have the opportunity to simultaneously go deeper into intimacy and dive into the erotic.
If we aren’t intimate with ourselves, how can we be intimate with anyone else? Being in intimate relationship with anyone (yourself, your partner, your family) requires self-inquiry, self-disclosure, honesty, and presence. And letting it simply be.
Sex and aging
There is no age at which sex becomes inappropriate. Conversely, in our hyper-sexual culture we often feel pressure to be something we are not. Sexually speaking we are better off accepting our authentic preferences. What is normal? I create a safe container to explore delicate topics and vulnerable feelings.
We live with Western cultural imperatives for women to stay youthful and beautiful, with steep consequences for not conforming. Imperatives for men include performance-based expectations, which are innately disappointing over time and cause intense shame and eventually disconnection. Focusing on pleasure allows us to find enjoyment and connection in sex, however it expresses.
Responses to traumatic events can include fight or flight and also freezing. You may ask yourself “Why didn’t I do anything? Why didn’t I get away?” Quite possibly because you were frozen and not capable of removing yourself from harm. Deep, guided somatic inquiry can help unfreeze parts of you that have been unavailable for a long time. After developing a sense of safety based on what your body/mind requires, you may discover touch as you have never experienced it before.
Some areas you may be interested in exploring:
- I avoid intimacy because I fear rejection or poor sexual performance
- My partner is no longer interested in sex or physical intimacy
- I want more out of/to bring more to my relationship, sexually and emotionally
- Claiming or reclaiming my sexual self
- Hormones! What they can and can’t do
- Vulnerability, intimacy and connection
- Consent and beyond
- Erection and ejaculation issues
- Body image
- The role of fantasy in my sex life
- Managing grief