Is it possible to have fantasy enrich your sex life? Detract from it? Replace it?
Looking into the content of our fantasies, we can learn about our needs and motivations. Do you fantasize about things you actually do, things you want to do, or things you would never do? Understand that your fantasies have a life of their own; for example, fantasizing about rape doesn’t mean that you actually want to rape someone or actually be raped. The content of your fantasies is largely unconscious. It doesn’t necessarily mean anything about the kind of person you are, and many, many people have similar fantasies. Chances are if you’re thinking about it, someone else is too.
Do you fantasize during sex? Does your partner? I recommend having a conversation with your partner about sharing fantasy. You may not want someone in your head with you! But if you are willing to talk about it, you could use your fantasy to add excitement to your sex.
However, if you are busy with your fantasy instead of paying attention to your partner, your connection will suffer. You may get off, but your partner will likely notice you’re not actually there with them. Have you ever had sex with someone who was distracted and obviously not paying attention? It’s a drag.
If sex is best when you pretend you’re somewhere else with someone else, call me; I can help you assess the situation. We can see if there is some way to shift your dynamic. Your preference to ‘be somewhere else’ might be your discomfort with vulnerability, or might signal a deeper issue.