Dr. Kelly Rees  intimacy | sexuality | pleasure
Dr. Kelly Rees
intimacy | sexuality | pleasure
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intimacy | sexuality | pleasure

Strange Days

Strange days, these. Don’t underestimate the stress we are living with. Some days are easier than others and my ability to manage it comes in waves.

A bad day begins with a feeling of uneasiness. Maybe nothing “happens” but the accumulation of annoying adjustments. The grocery store is out of toilet paper again,  people aren’t wearing masks correctly, our country is run by a buffoon who prefers cronyism to science. My city has seen nightly protests against police violence which have been met with both violence and inaction. I fume behind my mask and rage in my car. Road rage? Outrage. I am so angry. I am sarcastic and snipe at my partner. This is my Hell-Zone.

A day or two later upon waking I feel sad and notice the anger is gone. I’m missing my friends, missing hugs, missing seeing clients in person. I miss touching things while shopping, smelling the fruit and trusting unwrapped fresh bread. I am wistful. The loss is acute and palpable. I want to crawl into bed and cry. It is hard for me to answer the phone when a friend calls; I don’t want to cry into the phone.

The next day is neutral. I can accept the adjustments without feeling personally harassed. I feel compassion for the lady throwing a tantrum in Costco: her Hell-Zone looks worse than mine. I am grateful for practices that encourage me to feel my feelings fully so they don’t explode like shrapnel.

And the next day I wake feeling light. I get up earlier to enjoy the silence or the sounds of the neighbor’s four-year-old daughter singing in the backyard. It is enough to sit still and breathe. My mood is kindness. I am not anxious, not worried about having enough money or toilet paper. I trust that I am fine, I will be fine. I feel joyful for no reason.

I have noticed this cycle in myself, my friends, and in clients. Recognizing that is it a cycle is helpful. I find my place in it and the world seems less chaotic. It doesn’t help with finding more money or toilet paper but it helps infinitely with my sense of wellbeing and my ability to relax into what’s happening now.

Pleasure—I’m soaking in it!

Pleasure. While it’s not the point of life, it certainly makes me want to stick around longer.

We have at least five physical senses and they are conduits to pleasure. I may have asked you if you consciously choose music you listen to, if you compose your meal to include delicious flavors and balanced colors, if you wear clothes that feel and look great. There are so many opportunities for pleasure every single day.

The next time you shower, take a moment to feel the water. Note the temperature, the scent of the soap, the texture of the spray or the washcloth. Everything in my shower smells good, the towels are fluffy and soft, and the perfect shade of blue. Sometimes I play music while showering too. It doesn’t take longer to make it as pleasurable as possible. Even if you shave in the shower with one hand while brushing your teeth with the other, you can still choose soap and toothpaste you enjoy.

Emotional pleasure is what makes us want to be together. When you walk in the door and I smile at you, when your dog tilts his head at the sound of your voice, when your child throws their arms around your neck and says those three little words; it’s the ways in which our hearts are touched.

Make pleasure a focus. Getting pleasurable touch takes away the stress of the day, it doesn’t have to be sexual. You know I’m a huge hug advocate! Have you offered or asked for a foot rub lately? Have you gazed into someone’s eyes lately? Have you played music together?

You may be very focused: eating right, exercising religiously, barely getting enough sleep, working very hard and long hours. You treat your life like a job. You may carry a lot of stress. Take a moment to think where you could add a little pleasure to your life. Can you add a work of art to your workspace? A favorite photo of your loved ones? Finding ways to let stress off during the day and in the evening. You will live longer and more comfortably for it.